Saturday 29th July 2006

Bowl Movement CC versus Marsh Marigolds CC. I should have kept my mouth shut last week about being lucky, as I lost the toss. The other side elected to bat first, and piled up a massive score which left us at tea feeling a bit downhearted, and even Frangelita’s best muffins didn’t really lift our spirits.
On a fast, dry and very hard outfield the ball was flying to the boundary far too often. Vicus made an early breakthrough, bowling the opener: 24-1.
After that, though, our bowlers tired fast in the muggy conditions, and I switched to spin, Interpreter getting his man caught behind by Richard: 51-2.
Neither we slower bowlers, nor the openers, could dislodge the next pair, and with the score moving ominously higher I experimented with two novice bowlers, Frangelita being rewarded when an edge was caught in slip by Ivy: 154-3.
I brought the slower bowlers back on, and got a wicket myself as Phil held an amazing reflex catch at silly mid on: 179-4.
The return of the openers saw Vicus taking his second wicket, caught behind: 208-5.
Another hard spell of bowling achieved nothing, so I tried Phil for a spell, with me at the other end – they were so eager to face Phil that the batsman misjudged one of my balls, and was clean bowled: 230-6.
The openers soon returned, and Tom got his first wicket when I held onto the ball in gulley: 280-7.
After a long hot spell, Tom took the next wicket, trapping his man LBW: 333-8.
Frangelita held on to a diving catch off Vicus’ bowling: 344-9.
I brought myself on to finish off the tail, bowling him: 360-10.
360 was a massive mountain to climb, and frankly I feel we went at it too hot-headedly.
Vicus was caught behind: 8-1.
Richard was caught and bowled: 21-2.
Tom had been playing very aggressively, and smashing the ball to the boundary, before being caught behind: 53-3.
The next ball saw Interpreter’s wicket fall, caught in the slips: 53-4.
Carol came in, had a swing, edged the ball to slips and departed: 60-5.
I had been trying to hold the innings together, batting cautiously as the wickets tumbled. Eventually I tried to push on towards our target, and was bowled: 74-6.
Phil was out LBW (this is not the first time; perhaps you should try hitting the ball with the bat Phil): 77-7.
Jona too edged the ball to the slips: 85-8.
Mincat was clean bowled: 85-9.
The next ball also uprooted Ivy’s stumps: 85-10.
We lost by 270 runs.

Saturday 22nd July 2006:

‘Welcome back, Skipper!’ I hear you cry. We’ll draw a veil over the events of last Saturday, and instead, let me recount, as briefly as I can, the exploits of Bowl Movement CC versus Norfolk Dumplings CC.

Once again I managed to win the toss (always, I think, the sign of a good captain – or at least, a lucky one) and decided we would bat – at least this ensures that every member of the side gets to do more than stand around in the field looking pretty (and that I get to bat before I’ve had a chance to eat too many cream cakes).

Let no-one think that my time was wasted last week. I had a good chance to see how you all performed under pressure, and I decided that it would be worth moving some players slightly higher up the order, and at the same time moving some of our stronger batsmen down, so that they could have a crack at the opposition’s weaker bowlers. This tactic also allowed Phil to take to the field after having had the longest possible rest.

We made a good, steady start, before Vicus was out for 30: 63-1.

A few balls later I top-edged the ball and was caught: 67-2.

We’d just celebrated passing the hundred mark when Carol was out, bowled. She muttered, as she stormed into the changing room, that the ball had shot along the ground. The wicket became a matter of concern, as several of our batsmen were bowled after having made a reasonable start. I’m fairly sure that the opposition didn’t notice the dents in the ladies changing-room wall: 103-3.

MinCat had been batting sensibly, when she took a wild swing at another ball which kept low, and was bowled: 127-4.

Ivy was also clean bowled: 156-5.

Tom had made a steady start, when they brought on a spin bowler, and he edged a catch to the slips: 176-6.

Jona was caught out by a similar ball, having made a respectable 17: 223-7.

Frangelita was hit by a ball, but elected to stay on the field. Sadly she was clearly distracted by the blow, as she was bowled next ball: 268-8.

Richard, clearly enjoying his new bat, had meanwhile been steadily piling on the runs and became our top scorer, on 64, but failed to move us on any further before being trapped LBW: 268-9.

Our final pair scored a few quick runs, before Phil was out LBW, leaving Interpreter not out on 17, and with the team on a respectable 293-10, with good contributions from every player, albeit that no-one pushed on to a very big score.

Tea, provided by the opposition, was very poor by the standards we have set. Very stodgy.

Fortunately, Interpreter had arrived with a food parcel: brioche, madeleines, pets de nonne, chocolatines and 11 slices of tarte Tatin, so some of us nipped behind the pavilion and tucked in.

Play resumed with some of our players looking decidedly corpulent. Tom, fortunately, seemed particularly aggressive (I believe he was annoyed that Phil had eaten the last dozen sausage rolls) having an opener caught at mid-on by Interpreter when the score was only: 15-1.

In his next over Tom had the other opener caught with a magnificent diving catch by Richard: 16-2.

This fast aggressive bowling by our opening pair soon took its toll; they tired, and the batsmen started scoring freely, so I switched to our slower bowlers. Interpreter had their no 3 caught by Vicus in the slips: 65-3.

Vicus held onto the ball again, in my next over: 66-4.

Interpreter clearly felt he needed to do something special this week, and was putting a great deal off effort into his bowling. He was able to make use of the uneven wicket to get the odd ball to rear unpredictably – eventually getting his man in the ribs, and forcing him to retire hurt.

We had plenty of runs in hand, so I gave our third pair a chance. Phil was too expensive, so I took him off after two overs, but MinCat bowled very economically, albeit without success. At the other end, though, Vicus struck immediately, as I returned the compliment, and held a catch at gulley from his bowling: 109-5.

We found it difficult to make a breakthrough to their tail, and the runs steadily flowed whilst I tried different combinations of bowlers. Eventually I bowled one of them: 161-6.

The score continued to build, before Interpreter got another wicket: 240-7.

I brought Tom back, muttered ‘sausage rolls’ to him, and he thundered in, getting his man LBW: 259-8.

We had a lead of 34, but they still had two wickets in hand, if their injured batsman decided to return to the fray. At that moment, however, an ambulance arrived on the scene, and took him away. Tom glared, charged in, and trapped their last man LBW. They finished on 259 and we won again!!

Saturday 15th July 2006:

I dropped myself from the side, as I wouldn’t want to be a liability (I have a bit of a limp, following a foot injury). Interpreter therefore captained the side.

Bowel Movement CC versus Much Binding CC. Sadly our luck deserted us from the start, when Interpreter lost the toss. We were required to bat first, which inspired our acting captain to demonstrate his independence - perhaps to show that he has ideas of his own, or to impress the ladies (he was certainly walking with a certain swagger, which I put down to the oversize box he needed to wear, to cover the swelling from last week’s injury). Whatever the reason, he radically changed our batting line-up. At least this had the advantage that those who didn’t get a chance to bat last week, would have time to impress the selector this week.

Sadly, most of them failed so to do.

I don’t know about the rest of the team, but sitting by the boundary rope, sharing fairy cakes with a rambler from Cornwall, I was concerned from the off, when their opening pace bowler took Vicus’ cap off with his first ball. The bowling became decidedly hostile after that, and it wasn’t long before the middle stump was uprooted: 4-1.

This vicious pace continued for the first ten overs, before some slower bowling was introduced. Sadly, by this time our position had become almost desperate:

Mincat was clean bowled: 9-2.

Richard was caught in the slips: 13-3.

Interpreter was out LBW: 21-4.

Ivy was bowled: 41-5.

The only member of our team who seemed to be enjoying herself was Jona. Batting with a wide grin on her face, she had cut and driven their pace-men, and now laid into the spin. Sadly she was, perhaps, a little too relaxed, and stopping halfway down the wicket to wave to her children may, in retrospect, have been a mistake, as she was run out, having top-scored on 37: 64-6.

Our tail did at least pick up a few runs against the slower bowling, before their openers returned to rip through them:

Lisa was stumped, having unwisely come down the wicket to a spinner, and then found she was unable to make up her ground quickly enough: 71-7.

Carol was caught on the boundary, taking a slog: 83-8.

Phil played a lightning-quick ball onto his stumps: 85-9.

Frangelita was our last player out, edging a catch to the keeper, leaving a perplexed-looking Tom stranded at the other end: 94-10.

A really outstanding tea was enjoyed by everyone at this point. Well done, once again, to the catering team. I particularly appreciated the angel cake. Oh, and the strawberry jelly and ice-cream.

With a desperately low target to defend, Interpreter decided to give each bowler short sharp spells, in the hope that they could exert themselves to the uttermost. Sadly, our varied bowling attack could not make the necessary breakthrough (perhaps by now the side was missing your captain’s knack of getting openers out) and they knocked off the runs they needed without a single wicket falling.

We lost by 10 wickets.

Never mind, team, there is always another week. I have at least had the opportunity of seeing you all play, and will now have to seriously consider the options before I select next week’s team on Friday. I certainly hope to be fit by then, and with twelve players in the squad, someone has to sit out each week.

Let me make it quite clear that I have every confidence in our vice-captain, and I will not be requiring him to fall on his sword.

Saturday 8th July 2006:

You couldn’t make it up. Well, you could, obviously, but I haven’t. It is amazing, though, how much this computer-generated game seems to match the characteristics of the players (or, to be a little more precise, the virtual characteristics, given that I am working on the basis of what you have chosen to tell me about yourselves).

Our first game in the East of England Virtual Cricket League, Bowl Movement CC versus Port Lemon CC. Once again I won the toss. I elected to field, to shouts of delight from the team, who just fancied a few hours in the sweltering sun. I pointed out that I was only listening to what my team-mates requested (last week Phil complained that we had batted first, while he was weak from hunger). Phil was pointedly ostracised by several members of the team for the rest of the match, including his friend, Lisa, who had nobly done the scoreboard for us last week, and so I thought it only fair to give her a game this week.

Another factor in his less-than-warm welcome could have been the pink kit that half the team wore thanks to Phil (see yesterday’s comments column) – fortunately some of us had our own whites.

Tom made an early breakthrough, getting one of their openers out LBW, with the score on 11.

After that, however, our opening bowlers toiled in vain, and with the score on 57-1, I decided to bring myself and Interpreter on, making a breakthrough almost immediately when I had the other opener (see last week’s note about my real-life ability against opening batsmen) caught by Vicus in the slips: 61-2.

After a few more wicket-less overs, I kept myself on, and tried first Phil and then MinCat at the other end – they didn’t achieve anything, but I eventually got their number 3 out, caught and bowled: 102-3.

I brought the openers back, and Tom made an immediate breakthrough, with an LBW: 104-4.

Vicus bowled the next man whilst the score was on Nelson: 111-5.
He also took the next wicket, caught by Ivy at Square Leg: 123-6.

After a while I brought our slower bowlers back on, and a brilliant spell of spin bowling saw Interpreter get his first wicket for BMCC: 156-7.

I took myself off, trying out Phil and MinCat again. Then, in an inspired piece of captaincy, and remembering her mutterings as she left the changing-rooms last week, I invited Carol to bowl an over – after facing two looping balls from her, the batsman danced down the wicket and mis-hit a catch straight to Jona at Long Off: 168-8.

I brought the openers back to finish off the tail – Vicus bowling their number 10: 186-9.

We could not winkle out the last pair, and with the score moving ominously beyond 200, I asked Interpreter to bamboozle them with his spin – clean bowled! 213-10.

Tea (provided this week by the opposition) bore no comparison to the excellent quality of the catering from our ladies.

I, however, may have had slightly too many cream scones. Perhaps, too, the days I’ve spend standing by the church door, greeting visitors to the flower festival may have taken their toll (my knees ache, for sure). Whatever the excuse reason, as we started our innings, I played a couple of defensive shots, and was then caught out by their keeper for a duck: 4-1.

Fortunately Vicus and Richard got stuck in, and both pushed on, so well in fact that they had both scored half-centuries, before Richard was bowled, with the score on 114-2.

Tom never really got settled, and was out before he’d got his eye in: 128-3.

Interpreter, sadly, was hit in the box area and had to retire hurt.

At this point, having reviewed the batting order in the light of last week’s performance, I promoted MinCat to number 6. She scored a steady 20, and had helped us almost to a winning score, before she was bowled: 206-4.

Vicus had achieved his century by this time, and now attempted to hit the ball for six, to win the match. Sadly he was comprehensively bowled: 208-5.

It was left to Phil and Jona to bring us home, which they did safely: 214-5.

We won by five wickets.

So, two wins in two weeks. Real cricket was never this good. We currently top the league table. Keep it up team. See you all at nets I hope.

Our score card, for those who want the statistics:

Saturday 1st July 2006:

[Let me stress once again that the report that follows is a completely honest description of the game played yesterday. I haven’t changed any of the scores. It is genuinely quite amazing how the performances I might have anticipated from some players were reflected in what actually happened in the game.]

Well, that’s the first match under our belt: Bowl Movement CC versus Comfrey by George CC.

Under an effulgent sun we lightly tripped onto the field, and by jove what a fine body we were! Whites freshly laundered, boots polished, bats oiled, club colours blazing.

Six hours later saw us a little careworn, but heads held high as we clapped the opposition off the field, and shook hands with a hearty ‘well played!’.

I started our season on a high, by winning the toss, and deciding to bat.

Our openers set off steadily, and had reached 49 before Vicus was caught by gulley. Next in was Richard, who played a dashing innings, scoring the only six of the match. Unfortunately he was bowled next ball, on 35. I was dropped by the keeper when I’d reached 60, but was out shortly after that, having reached 61 (a lifetime best).

Our middle-order continued to score steadily, Tom being the next to fall, caught in the slips after a dashing 89. Phil, sadly (perhaps we can see this as an example of art following life) was run out on 6, as he waddled up the wicket.

Our vice-captain, Interpreter played a steady, classy innings, but the fall of his wicket (bowled for 25) signalled a collapse of our tail: Jona was bowled for 2, Carol for 1, and Frangelita LBW for 6. MinCat had played steadily through this collapse, and was our last player out, caught on the boundary for 28, leaving Ivy not out on 2.

We scored a grand total of 287.

There followed a splendid tea (well done ladies).

Their opening batsmen scored steadily against our attack bowlers (Vicus and Tom). Too many cakes, gentlemen!

Eventually I brought on our slower bowlers (myself and Interpreter) and made the breakthrough when I bowled one of their openers (art/life conjunction again – regular readers may recall that three-quarters of the wickets I took last year were opening batsmen) and then had the other opener and their number 4 both caught behind by Richard, our keeper.

I took myself off at that point, and brought our openers back. Tom took the next wicket, bowling their number 5, bringing the score to 82-4. A win appeared to be easily within our grasp, but sadly they now went on the attack, their number 3 eventually going on to make a century.

In an attempt to shift them, I tried a radical experiment, and brought Phil and MinCat on. Neither they, nor either of our other two bowling combinations achieved anything, as the runs steadily mounted.

Finally, Vicus made a breakthrough, although by now the score had risen to 216-5. I got the next wicket (221-6) and Tom the next (227-7). Our openers then bowled steadily, but without success, so I brought myself and Phil on and achieved the collapse we needed – I bowled their centurion, number 3, which gave me another first, a five-fer. The score, though, had reached 246-8 and nails were being bitten in the stands.

Incredibly, Phil took the last two wickets, bowling them out for 258.

We won by 29 runs!!

Well done, everyone, for your contribution, without which, etc…

For those who like to keep a note of their statistics, and will bore us all with details of their average at the annual club dinner and prize-giving, I have copied our team’s score-sheet: